A Public Confession

This is my public confession and I hope people would either understand or learn from this...or maybe both. There was a time in my life when God called me to do ministry work, to do what He intends me to do. For many years He has prepared me for His work, giving me all the experience I needed. He came when I was broken and at that time I was ready to kneel down and say "Here I am, Lord, send me".

My obedience has made me experience a deeper relationship with Him. I have gone through storms and shipwrecks in my life during those years that I have been working side-by-side with Him BUT He's strength was made strong during my weaknesses and I was rich even though I was poor because of His sufficient grace.

Time came that all these accomplishments has gone to my head and then came the time when I became half hearted. Not that I have become half hearted with my work in the ministry BUT half hearted in my dependence on Him. I relied on my capacity forgetting that I could not have done the things I have accomplished without Him. I have disobeyed Him and have followed my own in the ministry. I have made a major decision in life that was a great turning point.

This man that others called "faithful servant"...this man that others depended on for counseling and spiritual guidance has failed and have sinned.

Today, I confess my sin of PRIDE. I could have done this a long time ago but it took me months of hardship and living on my own will before I can even accept my sin. I publicly confess my sin as a gesture of accepting in and moving on to my journey back to God's will.

In the end, it is in serving Him that we find more joy and freedom in life. I was designed to be a servant of God and today I kneel back to Him asking Him to guide me back to His will.

Grace after Grace

25 April 2009

If I would look back with regret the time when I was on top of my pedestal, I would be disappointed and enrage. I would remember the pride of my accomplishments and would recollect how those around me have envied me. I would recall what I used to be and the things that I used to have and as I reminisce them it would also bring to mind how I lost all of the things that I have established for years in just a small number of mistakes. That memory is never a pleasant thing to remember. Yes it isn’t; not unless I look at the other side of the coin.

But if I look back at these things with thanksgiving, I see it in a different way! I see how God has provided in all things and how He has leaded us. I also see that the Bible is indeed true that pride leads to destruction and my situation has humbled me and I know this pleases God. I feel closer to my family and to God in this time of crisis. I have never prayed so earnestly to God that when we are in the storm of our lives. My faith is being tested and I know that when tested in fire it will come out more precious than gold or silver.

In the end, it is not the suffering that really matters; what really matters here is the lessons that we learn so we can do more for God than we have before. God never uses a vessel of personal honor but God uses a broken vessel to let others know that He is great and that He is full of grace.

Jehovah Jireh

God does work in a mysterious way, and sometimes unexpected. It may be in the most unusual way but He does work. Last Sunday’s sermon was so relevant that it has really sinked in my heart. The message was all about “being patient” and “waiting on the Lord”.

I know I had a series of sermon on this too – that was about 2 years ago I think – where I talked about “Living a Stress-free Life”. In these hard times these words in the Bible are just so relevant. The preacher quoted, “If you can change the circumstances, then there is really nothing to worry about; if you cannot control the circumstances, then it is useless to worry”. That was so right!

Why would I worry about something that I can change? If I am in debt then I can just work it out and be out of debt. If I do not have a job then all I have to do is find a job. If someone has a bad attitude then I can just help him change.

The only thing that makes men worry about the things he can change is ‘time’ – it takes time to be out of debt…it takes time to find a job…it takes time to change an attitude – ‘time’ makes people worry because we are not naturally patient about the course of time.

This is where the second part comes in: “If you cannot control the circumstances, then it is useless to worry”. I cannot control time so it is useless to worry. When Christ was on a boat with His disciples and there was a storm, He was asleep and His disciples were so worried that they might sink. There are just two things they missed here: 1] They cannot control the weather 2] they have Christ in the boat with them WHO can ‘control’ the weather.

My mother has always been a good example of a faithful Christian. She died September 9, 1999 because of cancer. When she learned that she has cancer, she knew there was not enough time for her. She knew that cancer is something that even doctors don’t have control of. She was advised by her oncologist to stay in an air-conditioned room and isolate herself so that she will not get sick easily. She thought cancer may imprison her in an isolated room or she can just trust everything to God. She chose the latter and the next thing I know she was already going around churches and making short speeches. In spite of her weak body she would speak in front of a congregation with her faint voice, inspiring others in the remaining time of her life.

My mother, having a close relationship with God, knows in her heart that even if she doesn’t have enough time, time is something only God can control. So what she did was trust the One who controls time. One of her favorite verse was Romans 8:28 “And He will cause all things together to work out for good for those who love God”. She knows this by heart and by experience. She trusted this verse and indeed God has placed all the negative things in her life altogether so that people may be inspired and will have a closer walk with God.

If you think cancer was the only unpleasant thing in her life? Include the following to that: a husband who doesn’t seem to care and is always concern of money, a son (that was me) whom she found out has been a drug addict for 2 years already, another son whose life is leading nowhere, another son who was so concerned of his career path and would only say hello to her maybe once a month or maybe none at all, a husband who is a womanizer, a son (that was me again) who stole money from her, a business that was not doing good and on its way to bankruptcy. Add all of these plus her illness now tell me if my mom doesn’t deserve to be called a martyr?

A month before she died, I can still remember, she called me and asked me, “Will you be alright?” She was pertaining to all of us – are we all gonna be alright when she’s gone? My heart was pricked but I have to answer her – I need to assure her. I replied, “Yes, we’re all gonna be alright”. From then on, she knows that even if I was doubtful in my reply, she never doubted God’s provision. She had a good sleep that night.

My mom never saw that we are alright but I know she trusted God about it. She never saw me being a preacher or have my own beautiful family. She never saw her beautiful grandchildren. She never saw all her prayers for us answered but I know she have confidence in God that He will take care of it She died peacefully at exactly 6:01 in the morning of September 9, 1999 and we were alright.

During hard times and at times when people around me seems to be against me, I would hear my mom’s voice asking me “Will you be alright?” and I know I will be because I trust in the same God she trusted. The God who is Jehovah Jireh – God will provide!